A Peak Into my Journal - February Thoughts
I do my best to be authentic. I do my best to show the “real me”, so that people don’t end up with the idea that my life is peachy 24/7 and the sun is always shining.
It’s not. And it isn’t.
While there IS the perpetual sweetness that comes from a life of self-inquiry, lived on purpose…sometimes the peaches get real smooshed.
And sometimes the sun not only hides behind the clouds, but there are torrential downpours that make me question EVERYTHING (this often happens just before my moontime, aka luteal phase, aka waning moon).
And so, here are my journal entries for February 2023. After a super challenging and very dark December (like, really dark thoughts), I stepped into the new year feeling amazing - to then be blasted by the influx of light in coming through, and physically knocked right on my butt, which led to a serious dip come February, and culminated in me manifesting a very bad 2nd degree burn on my foot and knee Feb 21st, which took 4 weeks to heal enough to walk without any pain.
This is how I speak to myself.
This is how I connect with myself.
These are my unedited words.
February 1st
Blessed Imbolc
The midpoint between Winter Solstice & Spring Equinox. The light grows brighter. As the chill of winter lingers, we are reminded that the only constant - is change. And if you can find comfort in the temporary discomfort of this impermanent moment - you will be free.
~
When I am in my deepest moments. When I am experiencing the darkest thoughts - that is when I plant my seeds.
~
I’m not holding anything back, dear friends. Not everyone will resonate with me. Some will be very triggered, and quite offended. Because I will invite ALL of you forward, which can be quite unnerving. And if you are willing to show up to the table - I will help you create & see with your very eyes unfolding in front of you the life you desire to live & the way you desire to feel.
February 6th
I offer a path home to who you truly are.
Balance
What do I need?
Balance, peace, joy, FUN!
I need stability. What is stability?
Is it more money? I have money :)
So…is it trust that more will always come in? Because it always does!!
So what do I need? To keep remembering. What? That I’m always provided for. What do I need? Nothing. I have everything.
What do I want?
Engagement. Women who want to show up. Women who are ready to grow & excel. What do I want? Clarity, and ease in knowing the next step. Divine guidance for every step along the way. To receive the message clearly of what to do next. God. Please keep showing me the next step. I believe & trust in you. I believe & trust in me. Help me god. Help me know what to focus on and do next.
I am here. I am here in truth. I am free.
February 9th
What keeps me from experiencing the joy of this life? From enjoying the beauty of this life?
A belief that I don’t deserve it. Am not not worthy of it.
I can help you, because I’m going through it right there with you.
~
It’s really incredible the spaces that open up. As I share this beautiful offering of support for others, I see all the places in my life where I resist being supported. It’s amazing the intelligence of these circles, these reflections, these containers. Worthiness. It always comes down to worthiness. At the deepest core level. Deeper than we can perceive with our conscious mind. Worthiness. And just being with ourselves there.
February 10th
The thing will repeat itself until the lesson is learned.
Wild Empowered (Feminine) - Woman WEF
12 weeks to unlocking your true self
A 12 week journey to freeing your true self
A 12 week journey to (embody-explore-know) connect with your divine essence.
Wild & Empowered Woman
Wildly Empowered Woman WEW
A 12 week journey to know your true self.
February 11th 2-2-2-2-3
I am so blessed. I am so grateful. Wonder. This life. This life is my creation. What am I creating? The snags & sticky situations. What is the belief that creates them? Contracts - lack of clarity. Not wanting to speak into anything uncomfortable. Contracts!
I help women on a spiritual journey, access their divine feminine/(power) and come home to who they truly are.
You can do whatever you want. Just know that every action has an impact - for which you are responsible.
Wild Essence
12 weeks to access the truth of who you are.
Feb 13th 2-1-3-2-2-3
Wild Essence
12 weeks to come home to your true self, and free her.
What is here? Fear? Of what? Failing? Burnout? I don’t want to work so hard because I’m not supposed to. There is a sweeter way than what I’ve been taught.
Younger self visualization & exploration:
My 6 year old little girl self:
The world is inside me. It’s overwhelming. I don’t know what to do with it.
Me:
It will be a while before you know what to do with it. The way I’m embracing you now - the way I’m holding you - is the way the universe holds you.
Words a sister shared:
I know how to be with self sabotage. I know how to do that. What I don’t know is how to be with the self-love.
Exercise:
I know how to feel _____, that’s easy.
What’s more challenging is to feel _______ and receive _______.
Feb 15th
You are enough.
You are doing enough.
You are being enough.
I don’t want to go through my shit in front of people as a performance piece. I want to be relatable, and I also want to be an inspiration. I want to exude confidence. I want to BE confident. Stall tall in my confidence.
Feb 19th New Moon
Can you be a goddess & still wear sweatpants?
I want to hear & listen to other people.
I want to trust that even if I’m wrong or don’t do something 100% perfectly - I will still be loved.
I am loved no matter what. I am loved because I exist, not b/c of what I do or create, how successful I am, or anything else outside of me. I am inherently & forever eternally loved.
Feb 21st 2-2-1-2-2-3 = 1 + 2 = 3
How am I committing to BE with myself these next 4 weeks?
Gentle. I am committed to listening to myself. I am committed to my practice. I am committed to joy & play. I am committed to expressing my truth. To myself, and to those around me. I am committed to showing up & taking a stand for what I desire to create. There’s fear around the program not being successful. I do, truly, with all my knowing, believe, SEE, feel that I can welcome the exact women who are meant to step into this Wild Essence program.
Wild Essence
Free the Divine Feminine Within
Wild, Sensual & Free
Ignite the Divine Feminine Within
I am committed to LOVING myself no matter what. To seeing my beauty, brilliance & worth NO MATTER WHAT. To knowing & expressing the divine spark within - NO MATTER what.
I am committed to the truth. And the truth is I Am that which I believe myself to be. And what I believe is that I am perfect & whole, worthy of love, & that the value of what I offer is great. I believe the value of my work is worthy of massive compensation, and I believe my nervous system can handle an influx of money deposited into my bank account. I am strong, capable, and powerful. My mind is fresh & creates in alignment with God. I am a spark of God. I am God.
February 25 2-2-5-2-2-3 (Post)
The emotions that heal are the ones that are allowed to be seen. So many have been pushed down, and those are the ones that you need to dig for. It’s more challenging to do it on your own, because it’s in a vacuum. With an experienced practitioner they can guide you through the practices that will unearth what is buried, hold the mirror up for you to see, and then support you to alchemize them into personal empowerment & freedom.
~
I pray to earth, to ground and help me birth
The gifts within me, let them sing free.
~
What have I been taught to believe about the world?
Finding peace amidst the chaos.
Why?
I don’t want people to think that I have it all together. I want people to understand & recognize how much I suffer in my mind. How sad I can feel. And that that’s why I’m a good leader. Not because I’ve figured it out - cracked the code - now I don’t suffer. It is the first noble truth = All life is suffering. The key is in how you allow yourself to experience it.
2 reasons why I share so openly:
I don’t want people to project false illusions onto me of “ideal”.
I share so that I can connect with others who feel the same — so I know I’m not crazy.
I don’t want to struggle silently while the world thinks I feel orgasmic & radiant. Although I do very much feel that.
I activate people. I activate their gifts. Their feminine. Their voice, and their belief in themselves.
The wounded healer.
Mourning & grieving my past self - while not yet embodied in the self I’ve become.
Feb 27th 2-2-7-2-2-3
How can I allow the mind to support me?
By showing me where there are threads of fear.
By showing me where there are wounded places, calling out to be loved.
By showing me where I am not accepting myself,
How can I allow it to support me to create the reality my heart desires & that my higher Self is guiding me toward?
By observing it. By speaking sweetly to it. My mind can support me by literally paving the reality in front of me. I am creating in every moment. If I am creating - what do I want? I want to feel tuned in. Connected. Energized. Healthy. Motivated. Joyful! I am living such a beautiful life.
Why don’t I always feel this way?
Don’t deserve?
Fear it won’t work out?
Not good enough?
-> Is this my true Self? This is the small self.
Fear - ancestral fear.
I AM doing it. I am amazing. I honor myself.
Keep sharing what will most support others.
Keep sharing my heart.
So much rising to the surface. So much here to be looked at. Is there? I am re-learning myself over & over again.
Why am I so good at helping women come home to who they truly are?
Because I am constantly rebirthing & continuously coming home to myself - over & over again. It’s like practicing scales on the piano. Deeper & deeper.
And onward we go. Thank you for witnessing me.